2015 in Review

I have to laugh at that title. Really. I had put The Best of 2015. But after I wrote about February, I had to change the title.

As my word of the year for 2015 was Renew, I have to say it is the first year I really lived up to my word. But I haven’t been very good about taking pictures this year. This post will be loaded with photos, but not of favorite photos. I think next year, I need to get back into doing the Scavenger Hunt Sunday with Ashley Sisk and get more pictures taken. I also started to do her Memories, Dreams and Reflections for 2015 but I just don’t have that many pictures to use. Maybe it’s not to late to join in with her party.

The beginning of the year started off like no other. It seemed to be unseasonably warm. We hadn’t had much moisture at all. When the soccer team went to the adventure park in early February, it was just hoodie weather. january weather

The end of February was the worst time in our family’s life. My son called me at work on a Thursday to tell me my dad had fallen on his bike. He was at the hospital with my mom. I didn’t learn that he had had a heart attack for another hour. We were leaving that hospital for another one when my brother had told me in the parking lot that he had flat lined several times already. Thursday evening it had started to snow. By Friday, most of my dad’s family had arrived. It took me 3 hours to get my mom to the other side of Albuquerque Friday morning because of the snow and ice and traffic because of it (a trip that should have been only 45 minutes with traffic). She had gone home to sleep in her bed since my dad had been put in a medically induced coma to try and save his brain function. Friday evening it had taken my son’s soccer coach 5 hours to get me home because it had been snowing all day. New Mexicans don’t know how to drive in the snow. Which is weird because anyone my age or older should be used to it because it used to snow more when we were growing up. I learned to drive in worse snow up in Northern NM. 2015 snow_edited-1

Friday night, my dad woke up out of the coma on his own. To this day he doesn’t remember anything except the beginning of his bike ride, and nothing about any of the time in the hospital. He was quite hilarious when he wasn’t remembering any of this though. He had us all laughing in the hospital. (He hated the food, or that they made him eat it.) He also had his 64th birthday while in the hospital. The food department brought him a cupcake and sang Happy Birthday. It was really nice.dad hospital.jpg

Through a turn of events, mostly when my parents did a Pay it Forward with a news channel to the Lifeguards that ultimately saved my dad’s life, we learned the whole story, starting with when and where my dad collapsed. A doctor, a father from a soccer team that plays my niece’s team, was who drove by and saw my dad collapse, called 911 and started CPR. A lady (whom my mom recently ran into and sort of already knew from Zumba or church) leaving the swimming pool saw my dad collapse and went back into the pool and retrieved the Lifeguards who ran to help with a defibrillator. My dad was treated and actually admitted into the hospital as a John Doe because it was only because of the Fire Chief that decided to go along for the ride with the medics that his wallet and phone were found in a back pocket of one of the shirts already cut off of him (he was a rider himself and thought to check for the pocket). I can’t take credit for the next picture, but it is of my dad and the fire men that responded to the 911 call. Men that will always be in our thoughts and prayers.03 04 15_2251

This is one of my favorite scrapbook pages of the year.papa and brad

My dad has made a full recovery. He has a stint in his heart and will be on meds the rest of his life, but he also has a kidney gone wrong so some of the meds are for that.

In May, I finally found a house. I went with a full-time Realtor and it took us only a month (after all the headache and time my brother’s Realtor friend and I went through). It was a little out of my price range considering what work needed to be done, but it has been well worth it. And I can’t even tell there is an elementary school across the street except when they have events and cars are everywhere. But noise is not a problem. I went with this house, more so than any other I had seen in this price range, because it had a brand new roof (and the backyard was fully landscaped). Costs that I really didn’t have the funds for. I kept track of our (mine and my parents) renovating on Facebook and I haven’t shared room by room on here yet because we aren’t finished. But here are some before and after side by sides. (Have you ever loaded iPhone pictures that look great on the phone and on the computer but when you upload them into Photoshop Elements they look terrible? The quality here is bad, sorry.)

bedroom den livingroom

None of these spaces look the same now. Everything has been a work in progress. The house was built in 1974. I think the carpet was original to the house. It was pretty clean considering how old it was, but it was full of sand underneath. They had also added rec room carpet over the linoleum in the kitchen and bathrooms. The den, kitchen and bathrooms all had wallpaper. And not the same one in any of them, three different papers in the den (a finished garage) and two layers of paper in the kitchen. The one in the master bath had a fabric backing so that took a lot of plaster off the wall with it. And there were several termite damaged spots underneath the papers. The ceilings were popcorn in the bedrooms, hallway and living room. Its all gone. Every vent and door were repainted. Every door knob and hinge were replaced. The baseboards stayed in the bedrooms (repainted) but all the rest were replaced (there had been some termite damage). Every light switch and electric outlet were replaced (most of which were done by an electrician because there was a faulty wiring somewhere shorting some out). The electrician also installed fan outlets in the bedrooms and the living room for us to put in fans. Almost every light has been replaced, no need to touch the ones in the closets. EVERY inch of wall has been repainted and almost all of the ceilings (except where I haven’t finished in the kitchen and the master bath shower area). Every inch of flooring was also replaced (except in the hot water heater closet). See that awesome wood floor looking tile? My parents did all that. Every where except the bedrooms. **I also want to mention, bringing up termite damage, that yes New Mexico has termites. I was told they are a slow, lazy termite though so they usually don’t get past the drywall, so don’t get into the wood. However, once you have them, you need to have the treatment done every 10 years or so. I think this is what the previous (only other) owners didn’t do. So termite treatment was done by the sellers as an agreement in the purchase.

All this work was being done while I was working my full time job as well. So after about 4 months, I petered out. My following post will be about my word of the year and plans for 2016.

Around about the time we were getting going on all this work, my brother went to work for a cabinet installation company. They do a lot of DR Horton houses. Did you know that when cabinets get rejected by the home owner, because of a scratch or dent or a small imperfection, they just get tossed into the trash? More like someone takes them home, but sometimes trashed. So my brother was able to get me enough for my laundry room and a kitchen island. He is in the process of finding me enough for the rest of my kitchen, which isn’t a lot of cabinets actually. Even if he can find a full set that I don’t have to pay full price for. I’m not too very picky about the color. I told him we can always paint them if need be.

Late summer my parents got a new dishwasher, fridge and microwave and gave me their old ones. I removed the old oven vent, that didn’t even work, and my parents installed the microwave. The great thing about posting our daily progress on Facebook, a college friend of mine was reading when I posted my frustration with Lowe’s over trying to get an estimate for a master cool. She brought over her plumber friend and he has been my plumber friend ever since. He has done a lot for me that we weren’t able to fix and has even done some work for my parents too. And he was very low priced and will remain that way for us even though he has since become a licensed contractor and can charge more. He even is a welder too and pretty much can do anything. (Ironically, he is an ex boyfriend of my cousin and my aunt had once thought he was the one that would become her son in law, but we didn’t know any of this in the beginning). Hopefully next year I will be able to afford that new furnace and Adam to the rescue.

In October a pantry was born (it still doesn’t have doors because it took me forever to figure out what color I wanted to do it). And the kitchen island has been functionally installed. It still needs to be finished. The holidays (and my three week flu) put a stop to any work around here. In the mean time, I had also started working on the backyard. I chopped down and dug up 4 big cacti and just have to get what I can into the trash each week and my dad and his buddy chopped down the really big tree that was too close to the house. It still needs to be completely gotten rid of. I have plans for some of that wood though. Once I get that cactus removed and we get a new fence up on one side of the yard, I can get my son a dog. He sure has been hounding me (haha). Snow, rain, snow, rain and wind have kept me from wanting to work back there the last month or so. Yucky stuff. I don’t think it will really get dry back there until March, so it might be awhile.

Memories, Dreams and Reflections 2015

dont change

Meme

This little wall made the kitchen so small. We made sure it was not load bearing and down it came. We still haven’t finished the newly exposed part of the ceiling.

I Love Youlove

Kaci, my mom’s dog, is not quite 7. She has lung cancer and not much longer to live. We love her so much. She is just one of those cuddly labs that doesn’t “ask” for too much.

Still Laughingstill laughing

I didn’t take this picture, but it was taken this summer by my mom. My dad is wearing my son’s goggles which were laying in the car. It reminds me that life is short and there is always time to laugh. We could have lost my dad in February but instead he is here, still being a goofball. Thank goodness.

Winter Wonderlandwinter wonderland

The snow that made the trip home from the hospital take 5 hours. This is the closed golf course that my parents live in the middle of (the front nine are still open). We have always come to this hill to sled when there is this much snow. Next year it may be apartments so it might never happen again.

Birthdaybirthday

I made this cake for 3 co-workers that had birthdays within a week and a half of each other. Per a joke with one of them it had to be a big ass cake. Well, I wasn’t about to bake that much cake. It’s really only a 2 layer to look more like a 4 layer. I put the cake on top of the cake pan and layered the outside of the pan with graham crackers, then frosted the whole thing. It was quite comical when one of them was trying to cut it and couldn’t get to the bottom of the plate. Luckily it was a metal pan and not something he could break.

Friendsfriends

B and his friend went as Thing 1 and 2 for Halloween. The easiest costumes ever but actually look like someone. M’s dad works for Intel and they have to move to Oregon. We thought they had until summer but they are now leaving the end of February. B is really sad about it but acting like a typical tween and pretending it is no big deal.

I Was Inspired12 12 15_2042inspired

I made this for my mom for Christmas when I finally found some shutters. I have plans for the other 5 too.

Spring Feverspring fever

My niece’s soccer coach. I just like how the tree behind her has buds trying to pop out and her pink shirt draws your eye to her. (It was a cool April after that snow storm the end of February).

Travelgo karts

Summer Dayssummer days

All my summer days were spent renovating. These are some of the pictures taken while in work.

A Day in My Lifeday in my life

B is pretty good at soccer. I wish he would get more into it, especially since he says he wants to play professionally. But he has this mad lazy streak in him and I can’t figure out how to get him to care more. Or to see that he can always get better even if he is better than most already. It only hurts him to not improve himself. I have always try to teach him that he is not entitled to anything. But it doesn’t sink in. Sad that his generation sees everything that way.

All Smilessmiles

Sort of a joke on the all smiles since he has his mouth held open that way. But B was high need for braces. Has had them since the month he turned 11. But what a difference his mouth looks already. I can’t wait til they come off this fall and to see the end results.

Autumn Harvestautumn

This is what I did this fall. You couldn’t even get to the kitchen window to clean it because the huge bush that was there. 40 years they were there I am sure. It took a lot of cutting and chopping and digging to get them out. I wanted something flowery. So the crepe myrtle is there instead and I have slowly been removing the lava rock. Eventually I will fill the area in with brick pavers.

Familyfamily

Celebrate03 15 15_2247_edited-1

Celebration of life (and a belated birthday since he was in the hospital for that).

Let’s Do it Againbubble blowing

Even though the picture is 4 years old, this is a scrapbook page I just made last year. Like it says, who knew how much fun bubble blowing could be!

I Miss Youkelsey

I shared this one last year as well, but I still miss her. I see this abused dog commercial all the time and there is this lab mix that is shaking in the cold. It always makes me cry thinking of my Kelsey shaking from nervousness over loud noises and going to the vet.

Beautifulbeautiful

Dress Updress up

B was Roger Williams for his end of 5th grade presentation (Wax Museum). He did pretty good. Funny thing, the black “jacket” is one of my sweaters. I just can’t stand buying items of clothing that he will only wear once.

Macromacro

I don’t think I have ever had a macro that wasn’t flowers. I didn’t have any of those last year. But this is the towel bar I made for the hall bathroom.

Holidaysholidays

My Favoritecousins

Again, not a new picture, but it is my favorite scrapbook page I put together last year.

Don’t Ever Changedont change

Just Because…So There!just bc

Hopes and Dreams for 20162016adultresolutions

I am sharing here today: Memories, Dreams and Reflections

Adventures in Renovating

I have been posting the progress of renovating my house every day on Facebook. It’s easier that way. But I thought I should share some of what’s been going on over here. I am waiting for a completely finished room to share before and afters.

Almost every piece of wallpaper has been removed (there are pieces in the kitchen that are stuck under the cabinets and I can’t get them). So far I have painted every inch of the bedroom side of the house, except inside the hot water heater and furnace closets. Ceilings (dad helped), closets, walls, trim, door frames, and doors have all been painted. Oh what a difference it makes. Even the air vents have been painted, re-insulated and hung back up.

Every outlet has been swapped out from dirty, gross almond colored to white. Every hinge and door knob has been switched out from dirty, gross once was gold to brushed nickle. I am starting to love my house.

Every inch of carpet has been removed, as well as the linoleum squares that were hiding under the carpet. New carpet has been installed in the bedrooms, and tile has been laid up to the hallway to the front door. The carpet and tile I chose come together perfectly. I love that light.

This week is finishing touches in the bedrooms and bathrooms so we can move in. I will make sure I take pictures tomorrow and share room by room what’s been done. It’s been a ride I tell you.

New Home

It finally happened. I finally purchased my 4th house. It was a rough go.  

 

I have to apologize. All the pictures today are from my phone and unedited. First thing I wanted to do was scrape the popcorn ceilings and take out the carpet (it’s messy business).  

 As is. The day I got the keys.  

 This was after scraping the ceiling and taking out the carpet. Still need to take up the tacks.  

   At some point in its life, this room was a garage. They properly had it converted other than the door to the garage, which is just a bedroom door. That weird closet was only thin wood and pointless. I think she wanted to feel like she was in Florida because their were plant hooks all along that hideous wallpaper wall.  

   Closet, hooks and half the wallpaper are gone. Here’s the inspiration for this room… 

 Really just the board and batten wall is the inspiration. 

I am probably going to head over to Remodelaholic for advice. The laundry closet is in the hallway next to the master.  

 The washer and dryer came with the house but aren’t staying. I want to paint the space during the switch but wonder if hanging a cabinet when empty would be easier as well. I also hate the door. It’ll come down regardless. But the problem is, what to put there. I would love a barn door but it would hang out in the hall when all the way open for the dryer. 

At this I will leave you for the time being. I am so excited to continue sharing my journey of making this house my home with you. 

Kickin’ It

Comets, soccer, team, sports, digital scrapping

Mr B is back to saying he wants to play soccer for a living. But he won’t practice except with the team. I don’t get him. One good thing is this coach is making it a year long thing. They play 8 games in the fall and spring as part of the league. Then they played indoor in the winter, and are playing 3v3 this summer. They also played in a tournament for the first time a few weeks ago and are in a really competitive one this weekend.

I haven’t really felt like going out and taking pictures. I forget how this tends to ground me. I need to get out more.

All About Me (the scary sharing stuff)

my name tag

I was born and raised in New Mexico. Have lived here most of my life. I have lived in Chicago, Phoenix, Lake Havasu City, Austin, and a small town in Maryland outside of Annapolis. I have life experiences. I have an education; a Bachelor’s degree in Elementary Education and a Master’s in Hotel, Restaurant and Tourism Management. I am a self starter, a hard worker, learn many things on my own, and can’t stand people that go to work wanting their paycheck by doing as little as possible. I am a single mom, but don’t think I am doing it right. I let my parents influence too much of our life.

Right now I work for a company where customers treat you as if you are beneath them, but I still “own” my job. I work as if I were working for the original owner and take care of every customer I can. I do my job (my boss can’t do my job at all) and also help out every where else in the building. Yet, I never get thanked. I don’t get recognized for what I do at all. My efforts have grown the sales numbers for my job, so much so that we were number 1 in the entire company for this job (I am sort of a personal shopper). The new VPs are coming to give us a barbeque. Yet the General Manager thanked my manger and told him to share with me about the barbeque. I don’t know how to stick up for myself but did tell my manager thank you…then he thanked me. I told him it wasn’t right that the GM thanked him and not me. I know that I need to find a new place to work, but that is another part of the story.

I can say about myself that I am stupidly trusting, wildly accepting, greatly loving and hopelessly romantic.

I know I complain too much. When I get frustrated at work, I can’t help myself not to complain about those that just don’t work very hard. But wouldn’t you know, those are the people the managers are always with and the ones that get Employee of the Month, or are recognized for jobs well done (I guess it is easier to see when someone does a job over and beyond when they only do it once). I am not a butt kisser. I don’t befriend managers so that I can go complain to them and walk around with them not working. I am told over and over it is retail. Maybe so, this is the first retail job I have ever had. It is now also, the longest job I have ever held.

I am a great listener but I can tend to be a gossip (but not what l lend my hear for someone to unload about). Maybe I’m a terrible friend. I don’t know. I haven’t had a friend in the same city in over 10 years. When I was a flight attendant I decided to try something. I didn’t make the call, send the email first, reach out to anyone for a month. I quickly learned that I was the one holding on to strings of friendships from college that must not have been meant to last. I haven’t had a good friend since then. Don’t get me wrong, I make friends at work, but they don’t carry outside into the real world.

I had this “friend” for over 10 years. When we met I was a flight attendant and he worked for the same airline, but at the airport level. We met at the gate he was working in Orlando. I instantly fell for him, but didn’t let him know for months. I went out to visit him 4 times, as friends, before I told him I was in love with him. He was everything I had ever looked for. He was a perfect gentleman. He was kind and compassionate. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, was still hurting from being cheated on. We didn’t talk for sometime. It was awkward after I told him I was in love with him (he had also said he couldn’t afford for me to visit again for awhile, as he always insisted on paying for all the food and things we did). After that, he would always reach out to me after a relationship ended. We would talk and chat as if no time had passed. After that last time I visited him, 5 years went by before we saw each other again. He had moved from Orlando to Kentucky, and was on my route home when I left my fiance in Maryland (another part of the story). It was a night I didn’t have to pay for a motel room. About 5 years later, he finally clicked when I told him I thought we were soul mates. I had just started my job I have now, but was still looking anywhere for a good job. He had told me that Mr B and I could come be his roommates for as long as it took to find a job and my own place. We decided we needed to see each other. See if we could maybe have something. I took time off from work and went out there. Seeing him in the airport was weird. He had changed so much, but I was also very very nervous. The hug was awkward, for me there was too much pressure from why I was there. The last night I was there he told me it wasn’t going to work for him. He didn’t feel a spark. He couldn’t even kiss me to see if there was one because he just didn’t feel it from that first hug. (He doesn’t feel he has now rejected me twice, but it has ruined our friendship.) We barely ever talk now. In the last 4 years we might post on each others walls on Facebook, and that’s it. It is very sad to me that this is what it came to. That even to him, I wasn’t good enough. That I no longer even have this friend to talk to.

In college, there was this guy, the one I consider the one that got away. He was my “dream guy”. In 2.5 years we never got really serious but I also never told him how I felt about him. In Austin, I met a guy. We ended up living together, engaged and moving to Maryland. But his daughter had issues with the move and was doing things I didn’t think a child should know how to do (like draw a picture of her killing herself) and I decided I couldn’t handle that and/or bring my 2 year old into that unstable life. So I have now lived here just shy of 9 years, and the worst 9 years of my life. Other than these 3 men in my 40 years, or 24 years of being allowed to date, I always end up with the bad boy. Not always on purpose. There has been a lot of leading me to believe they want relationships. I did mention I am stupidly trusting. Maybe a little gullible. A lot of it is I also get attention after years of not having it and believe I am finally good enough for someone and don’t see the signs. Not always though.

What brought this all on? There is this guy, for almost 3 years he has been a friend/not a friend. He makes me feel small and hurts me a lot. I finally told him to stop talking to me, then I stupidly start talking to him again. I know it was dumb. He tells me the other day I can’t rush it (love). I am 40 now. What I am rushing he couldn’t say. When I question why at 40 he was already divorced and living with his second girlfriend, who left her husband for him, why wasn’t I allowed to have one man, he couldn’t answer. What was I rushing? He said those women found him, like that made a difference. I think I need to permanently delete his number. Even where the iPhone holds deleted numbers.

What started that conversation was he asked about my new friend. I had said once I had a crush on the soccer coach. With our sons, we had gone to the movies and to eat several times over a 2 month span. We were chatting almost every day. I saw it as a friendship that could become more. I wasn’t rushing anything. Suddenly he stopped texting back. Not even answering the question days later. Then he tells me he is taking this woman and her kids with them on an over night field trip and going skiing the next day (a drive he didn’t want to make with me just for the day). He thought I knew who this woman was. I am pretty sure they are dating. That’s cool. Don’t need another (really new) female friend in the picture with a new girlfriend. But I thought he was different. Considering he can’t just tell me any of this, that he just stops talking to me, makes him no different than all the other men I let into my life. This makes me question myself. What do I do wrong? What can I do better? I meet a nice guy and still can’t hold on to him (taking it slowly). So maybe I am just not meant to meet someone.

I know this just sounds like, poor poor pity me. But I can’t help it. I need to get it out there. I don’t have a friend to talk to about this. This is not stuff my mom and I talk about (she is not a friend, she told me that once). Dating absolutely frightens me, so maybe I don’t put myself out there. Living with my parents, going on 5 years now, really makes me not want to put myself out there. I don’t want the questions. I want to get to know someone on my own.

Which leads me to another topic. Living a life with my son. Without having to completely rely on my parents. I hate that I can’t just be his parent without them overstepping me. Or questioning me. Or not asking for my permission. Or thinking I am not doing what I should be.

I moved back into my house December of 2013, but knew it was just to see if we could make it work or to fix it up to sell it. I had been renting it for 3.5 years. It ended up being way to far away from my parents, or brother, for me to be able to leave Mr B home to get himself to school. If there had been an emergency, no one could get there quickly. So I sold my house, as I have said before (by real estate contract). I put an offer on a foreclosure in July. 1st lender told me she could do the loan without a co-signer before I put in this offer. Half way through the process, after signing papers, she said I needed a co-signer because of the house being in a real estate contract and not payments not being made for a year yet. Walked away from that house in August when the selling realtor would never tell us if they would fix the floor they trashed after they accepted my offer. Found another house. Made an offer in August. Was accepted. Found out it was a HUD property. I had to take care of getting the house re-metered in order to have utilities turned on to have inspection. Knew there was a roof leak. Was also working with lender #2. Whom I walked away from because he wasn’t disclosing all numbers. In order to get houses re-metered, you have to have a plumber, electrician and the city do inspections. Things were found wrong that needed to be fixed in order to even be re-metered. HUD can not make any changes to a property while under contract. My #3 lender would not do an appraisal without utilities, especially since there was a roof leak. And I couldn’t afford the loan that would put money into escrow so we could close and then have these things fixed. I decided that was all a blessing in disguise.

So I made an offer on a short sale the end of October. I haven’t wanted to talk about this house and the plans I have for it because I have had to walk away twice, just days before closing. And it is disheartening, knowing I am so close to having my own place. To freedom. To living like an adult. To being able to be my own parent to my son. And it all slips away. In the meantime, I have only looked at 1 other house, and that was because I tell my realtor (my brother’s friend/business partner) I want to see it. But it was my old house but older and yuckier and I wasn’t about to spend that much on something that needed work just to look somewhat like my other one when I moved in it. I need a new realtor but that isn’t really an option with the ties to my family. And we still owe him for the utility inspections on the other one. He won’t tell me how much, probably so I can’t walk away. He finally hears from the selling realtor the end of January, that the bank approved the short sale, we will close April 6. I sign papers to this. Weeks go by. I want to know what we are waiting for. Why haven’t we scheduled inspections? Finally find out we are waiting on a second bank to approve their share of the short sale. If only I had known that is had two mortgages they had walked away from. I can’t stay away from short sales or foreclosures because that is all I can afford. But I highly recommended staying away from HUD. They are pointless to work with. And make sure the short-sale doesn’t have 2 mortgages on it. So, here I still sit in my parents house.

I want to apologize to any of you that are still reading this. To all my followers for me going way off my beaten track. There are no photos to share. I actually hate photos of myself. I think I look fat. Not very pretty. I have, though, made a few digital scrapbooking pages of pictures with me and Mr B. 1st communion, kids, family, Mr B, me, digital scrapbooking

When we first moved into my parents’ 5 years ago, I never imagined it would be this long. I don’t make enough money at my job to even afford rent around here. I need to live in Mr B’s school district so that my dad can easily pick him up for school, or he can catch the bus. Middle school is next year. I often think about moving away, getting a better job elsewhere, but Mr B would be lost without his Nana and Papa. It is still something I think about doing for high school though. He needs to be in a state where he has a better college option.

In the beginning it was very depressing for me. I still couldn’t find a job that paid well, I was losing my house (to renters), and I was having to lose my freedom and live with my parents. My mom didn’t understand my depression (slight as it was) and made me see a “life coach”. She even booked the appointment, knowing I wouldn’t. 4 sessions in, I was feeling guilty that my mom was paying for me to talk to this lady and it was ending up all about my mom. I also learned she wasn’t a life coach, she couldn’t help me find a job. I told her I couldn’t afford her and a career coach. Went home and told me mom that wasn’t cool of her to send me to a psychiatrist telling me she was a life coach. She asked what was the difference, why’d it matter. I told her it mattered because I was depressed from needing a job and not knowing what to do. I needed career help. This lady not being a life coach meant she couldn’t help me. (I never told my mom that I also felt guilty talking about her while she was paying for it.)

I went to a career counselor. Though she taught me how to write a better resume (didn’t help) and had me take lots of tests to find where my skills were, ect, she was a waste of money. She could only give me the resources, wasn’t really a life line. I needed connections, a network I did not have. This better resume, sent all over the country, didn’t get me interviews. I ended up taking the job I took because it was really the only one offered to me. Up to that point, I had been told they couldn’t pay me what I was making as a GM, they couldn’t pay me what I was asking for ($12 an hour didn’t seem like too much considering my skills and education and experience), what was I doing the year and a half since losing the GM job, ect. But no one ever had a problem about me being fired, at least not to my face. I left out that it was a sexist thing and told everyone it was a safety violation they didn’t want to address and it was easier to let me go.

Interviews are kind of like dating, very nerve racking and hard to sale myself. But always got myself there until now (or 5 years ago). Now I am stuck in this job because I really don’t know what to do with myself. All the jobs I find are the same as what I have and I would lose pay to start over. The jobs that I am qualified for are the same ones that wouldn’t interview me before. I am stumped. I really want to start my own business, but since I am trying to buy a house the money isn’t there. America is failing me. Being educated is hurting me and not helping me get jobs (and I have the experience to go with it).

Add up that I don’t have a person to be there for me (friend or man), can’t figure out a career choice without going back to school (I am still paying on the second student loan), feel guilty that my parents are all I have to rely on (when they want to), and don’t get any recognition at work…I am all messed up inside. rememberUsually I just keep trucking along. It is just at the moment, the thing about the barbeque just happened at work. The man I became friends with stopped talking to me just last month. The other man told me not to rush love on Friday. And it all gets me all jumbled up and feeling under appreciated/unloved/not liked. I promise I am not always a hot mess, but when it comes to the love/relationship/can’t find a man, that is always right there at the surface.

I want to be loved for myself, not have to change for someone. I can be an awesome/reliable friend. I can cook/bake/paint/hammer/craft and other lovely things. I love to take pictures and capture the little joys. I can’t sew to save my life and using a saw scares the crude out of me. I appear strong and act like I can do it all alone, but I have a soft side and would rather cuddle up on the sofa with someone.

My purpose in life? To be there for someone. To be helpful and reliable. To love. That is where my missing puzzle is. That is why I need a man. But no pressure or anything. LOL.

I have not forgotten my word for 2015: renew. I am still there.

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