Mama

 

sc_hooray_happybirthday
mama

Today we celebrated my mom’s birthday. Friday we are throwing a Halloween party for Mr B’s soccer team. I have to bake a cake for that. And I have to bake a cake for my nephew’s birthday on Saturday. I might be late to posting my last two posts. But I will get it done on Sunday, if nothing else. (I might just need to call in sick on Friday, I still have to get a birthday present and find me a new pair of shoes.)

Moving On

moving on

I went to look at another house today. My mom keeps telling people that I had to move from (sale) my other house because I couldn’t afford it. She seems to forget the real reason was because it was too far away from them in case of an emergency for Mr. B. >> Mr. B would have had to change schools for 1 year >> too many teenagers that would have taken advantage of Mr. B had they found out he was getting himself to school alone in the morning, IE home alone before school. I made a point of bring up that point the last time she brought it up. And I hate that she keeps bringing that part up, it makes me miss my nice clean, newer than what we keep looking at, house.

I need to move on.

So I have been back in their house this time since the end of May. My belongings are in a POD parked all the way out at the airport. I can’t go check on them, or get anything out of them. It was only supposed to be for a few months. I didn’t leave out much winter stuff because I wasn’t planning on this taking so long. And that POD is getting pricier month by month. But it sure was convenient.

I need to move on outta this place.

I made an offer on a house the first of July. Offer was accepted. Had gotten packets from the title company with a closing date. When they did the inspection to get the utilities turned on, they found there was a gas leak. It took 6 weeks to find and fix this gas leak. In that time, it became apparent there was a leak in the kitchen ceiling. The more it rained, the worse it got. We asked for money for the roof and an allowance for flooring in the rooms where they tore it up to find the leak. In the meantime, I had found another house. And they never did accept or deny our request. Just finally told us (realtor actually) that they were cancelling the contract.

I moved on.

Early September, I made an offer on this other house. We were scheduled to close on November 5. We waited and waited for the permission letter to have the utilities turned on for the inspection. Learned that all the utilities had to be inspected in order for the house to be re-metered for the inspection and appraisal. These inspections did not pass. But because it was a HUD property, as I mentioned before, it couldn’t be repaired in any way. They wanted me to change my loan to a 203k so that money could be put into Escrow to make these repairs after close and then have my inspection done. Yea right. Buy a house with a roof leak with no inspection? Not only that, my lender said no way would he loan money without a real appraisal and wouldn’t approve one with a generator. Plus, the 203k raised my payments by $100 a month.

I have to move on. Sad as it makes me. I really liked that house. And it was going to look great when I was done with it.

I need to stay in the area where my son’s school is. In order to do that, all I can afford are short sales or foreclosures. That part really sucks. But this house I looked at today is really right for the price. I wouldn’t have to worry about money anywhere. My payments would be great. Only problem is, it’s only 2 bedroom and the storage is really minimal. And only a 1 car garage. But I decided that I can make it a home and it will be ok. Doesn’t look like I would need to worry about more room any time in the nearest future anyway.

I gotta keep reminding myself to keep moving forward. Something will eventually work out. And in the meantime, I am getting ready for my birthday month of gratitude and kindness. Like the cars and the bicyclist in the photo, I need to keep looking ahead, and keep moving on.

 

 

The Road

Definition of reflection (n)

Bing Dictionary
  • re·flec·tion
  • [ ri flékshən ]
  1. reflected image: the image of somebody or something that appears in a mirror or other reflecting surface
  2. act of reflecting something: the process or act of reflecting something, especially light, sound, or heat
  3. careful thought: careful thought, especially the process of reconsidering previous actions, events, or decisions

relection

Good and Fun. Am I looking forward, or looking back? Of course my little ham back there having to be super goofy. He was a little jerk yesterday, actually, because we weren’t doing something fun enough for his taste. After posting my dirty laundry (so to speak) and walking away from that house (officially tomorrow), I feel some weight lifted off of me. Onto the next house we go, but have to go looking first. I feel bad for my realtor. Oh well, I’ll get him a Starbuck’s card.

Random. So what to do now? I am super excited about doing a gratitude project and the 40 gifts for my 40th next month. I have been researching and compiling my list of what to do. I even started a Pinterest board. This is going to be great. I already told Mr B. that he will do it with me and he won’t complain and hopefully I realize it is something we should be doing more of. No matter what manners I try to teach and instill in him there is too much conflicting with the 3 adults in the house.

the road

This is basically what the bokeh in the above shot looks like. I am linking up here today: Monday Mellow Yellows and Good.Random.Fun

Scavenger Hunt Sunday: Day of the Tread


  Day of the Tread is an annual event in Albuquerque that supports Casa Esperanza…a home where families not from the area can live while their family member is being treated in the hospital. After not feeling ready last year, my dad decided to do the 100 mile bike ride this year. (He did 100 miles in the Hotter than Hell ride in Wichita Falls this summer, today’s weather was great other than the 15 minutes of rain compared to how hot it was in Texas for that). It’s fun to see the different costumes, even though they aren’t a requirement.

Paintpaint

Her leggings looked like paint to me. And a great smile for just coming up a massive hill.

Pumpkinpumpkin

What do you think my background is? I didn’t see any of those out today, so I got this when I got home.

Familyfamily

We always go out and cheer my dad on. This year we kept going ahead of him and cheering cheering. (He’s too serious to dress up for riding.) My brother and sister-in-law even went on to 2 others stops and got to talking to some of the other riders.

Looking Cutecute2

I had another picture planned for this, but decided to keep with the day. Her outfit was just too cute. I think it’s a horn on her helmet.

Photographer’s Choicemy choice

And it was just too great of a day. And this was after the rain storm that came on quick. Left some good water. Leaving some dirty backs from coming up off the wheels. But it was just perfect out.

I am also linking up here today:

Unknown MamiWeekly Top Shot #158

Day 25: About a Girl

I have worked on this post almost the whole month. Not sure how much of it I really wanted to put out there. But I keep feeling if I would get it off my chest, maybe I could move away from it. Yesterday I read a post on gratitude which would mean I shouldn’t post this, then I read another post that tells me I should. So, this will be my post from yesterday.

A few years ago I was in a darkish place. Nothing like wanting to hurt myself, but very unhappy. I had lost my good paying job, I couldn’t find a new one (I interviewed a lot) and we had had to move back into my parents. My self esteem plummeted. That temporary move ended up lasting 3.5 years and I am back here again, waiting on a house. Even though I am almost 40, I still have to tell my mom where I am going, when I will be home. Why, what, how. Because of this, I found it was just easier to not try and date…or go anywhere alone for that matter.

After I initially moved in here (my son has pretty much lived with them, with or without me, for 8 of his 11 years), I some how stumbled on Karen Walrond. I made a life menu. I read. I wrote. I got into crafting more and more. I try really hard to just live with this life. I work really hard and watch slackers never get in trouble because they buddy up to managers. Not only that I never get thanked for what I do and extra is always expected of me. I never complain about the fact that I am too educated, too qualified and way under paid for what I do but hear younger people complain about being underpaid all the time. I have 2 degrees and am considered over educated in most fields and under qualified where degrees are expected. I really don’t know what to do with myself and at this point even leaving my job would probably mean a pay cut (I don’t make enough as it is) or working way more hours. And I just don’t know what I would be qualified to do that would pay well. I have experience, I can tell you that. I also think that until you work for a HUGE corporation, you don’t realize the politics in it and how badly the associates are treated by the corporation and by the customers. Or until you work in a restaurant you don’t realize how your actions and attitudes really affect the person waiting on you. We are all human. NO ONE is better than the person they are next to. And no one has the right to turn their nose up at anyone else. I grew up with kids like that. And you would think that it would help in my adult life, but it still hurts. A little appreciation and less expecting me to do more more more would be nice.

It all goes back to the, it’s not what you know but who you know. I don’t have a network. That wasn’t something the college I went to promoted. I really wish that were something I had known to work on earlier on. I have also learned through some conversations with my brother, that he feels the same way. He has the same self-esteem issues. (And his wife hates being in a crowd of strangers.) But they seem to ground each other. My mom likes to think my brother can’t get a better job because he won’t chop off his “Duck Dynasty” beard (he had his way before they made money from theirs) but I think that isn’t his problem at all. He’s like me and doesn’t know how to sell himself without showing them what he can do. But most jobs don’t give you a working interview to be able to do that. That’s too bad. Anybody can lie on an application to get a job. I don’t do that. I had a good paying job (a job I interviewed for because an old family friend told me her husband was coming to town to interview for the job) interview me back when I was applying everywhere. The man I knew told me I moved around a lot. Like I said, I have good experience. I am pretty well rounded. But the interview fizzled at that point. And because of that I have stuck with the job I have now for almost 4 years. I change jobs, but haven’t left this location. I hate my job. I get walked all over. I get mistreated. I work REALLY hard for a woman (for most men too for that matter). I don’t get credit where credit is due. My current boss is a 22 year old jerk that doesn’t know one inch of how to do my job. It’s sad really.Cupcake-Flower-Sticker

I took this quiz on Facebook the other day. My results were “Need to be Loved.” I almost cried it was so true. It’s not like an affliction, or something like a drug to get me by. It is what has lacked from my life. I was raised to be able to take care of myself. To not have to rely on others. I don’t think my mom meant it to be harmful, but it hasn’t helped. Add to that my extreme shyness with new people, men especially, and I have not dated very much in my life at all. My longest relationship was when I got engaged, we moved in together then to Maryland and we were only together for 10 months. He broke up with me 3 times before he realized he wanted to marry me. I realized in Maryland that our children were not going to be able to have a life together as a family and it was best I returned home. Home being where my parents and son were. I had not lived in this part of NM before. I have now been here 8 1/2 years.

I only had 1 real boyfriend in high school and it only lasted 3 weeks. From there I have had a lot of heart break. A lot of rejection. Found the love of my life and lost him. Found my soul mate (or kindred spirit) and since he decided he didn’t feel it too, we aren’t even friends anymore. For 11 years we would tell each other everything (except when he had girlfriends). I had my son because of a stupid boy (a story I really don’t need to share online). I can’t tell you how many times I have been told “I just don’t want a girlfriend in my life” to then see him get very serious with the next girl. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. I am a hopeless romantic. Would do anything for the people that get close. Am always there for anyone (within reason). Am a little naive. I don’t have friends so sometimes I text too much when I do find a new guy. But we are grownups, shouldn’t they be able to tell me what it is that they don’t like?zgl_IL_jan_21_CMYK

I turn 40 next month. I can’t even tell you when my last date was. I have decided I am going to stay 39 until someone will make a big deal about my 40th. That might be awhile. When I was younger my mom once told me I was going to be an old maid like my great aunt. The only thing stopping that so far is you can’t be a maid with a child. I have tried the dating sites, men lie worse on there than in person. I have come to the conclusion that I am ok with never getting married. That doesn’t really scare me. I just want someone to be there for me. A companion. A confidant. A friend. A lover. A giver. Someone that will accept the crazy parts of me and want to share these things with me, as well as wanting me to share his as well. I so badly wanted a dad for my son, I even made sure these men appeared to be good dads. Even men with daughters don’t think about what they want for their daughters when they don’t treat women with respect. By that, I mean, they say their daughter will never date but then they turn around and use women.

I took another one of those quizzes. My results were Extroverted-Sensing-Feeling-Judging. ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don’t understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They’re very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. That explains a lot. My mom must be the opposite and that’s why she doesn’t understand me at all. I sometimes think that if I didn’t look so much like my mom, I could have been adopted. That’s how much she doesn’t get me.bh-cherryedition-leaves-8

And honestly, where have all the cowboys (figuratively) gone? Manners. Respect. I have lived my entire life treating people the way I would want them to treat me. At least I think I have. But it doesn’t work. I often wonder if people think I am going to be a push over and when they realize I am not a dumb blonde, is when they “break up” with me. I say it that way because even friends can break up with you by ending the friendship. Or wander off. Maybe I come off too needy. I honestly don’t know. No one has ever told me. I realized one day that I was the one that kept the friendships going. So I stopped calling anyone. I stopped emailing. Whatever the communication was, I stopped. To see what would happen. And what happened was that I haven’t barely talked to any of those friends since. I know people grow apart. I know that I move around a lot (always have). But I also know that I was putting in more than I was getting back. Once again, I just don’t know. I have learned to live with the lonely life. But it has also brought on a stronger fear of being around strangers. Uneasiness. What an endless cycle it has become.

I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me. I know there are worse situations out there. But I read these 20 somethingers posting about broken hearts and lost loves and will they ever get married and I want to cry because I have years on them and feel the same way. Except I have been around the block (world really) several more times and still can’t answer the life questions. I can give advice to others, great advice. I can listen to people talk on and on about themselves. I just can’t figure myself out. I do know that…I NEED to get out of the retail world. It sucks the life out of you. Not that I wouldn’t mind having my own shop selling refurbed “junk”. Trash to treasure. Restyle It. Recycle people. LOL. So maybe it’s Corporate America I need to get out of.heartsticker_pink_mle

I realize I was all over the place. Probably part because I typed it on different days, part the feelings I was going through on those days, and well…how bad a day at work I had. Basically, I work in the wrong industry. I will never be one of the cool kids. I need a shoulder to lean on. I live in the wrong state. But I try really hard to not let any of this bring me to far down. I gotta worry about my boy instead. And as I posted the other day, that is a whole other story.

So next month, I have decided, my son and I are doing a gratitude project. I am not moving into my own house as planned, so we will even have a little money to do little gifts on my birthday as is on my list. I am going to do my research and do this right.

64 Shades of Color: Gray

gray

Do you have a favorite pair of shoes? I used to love the Sanuk’s. I found them to be so comfortable. Both slip ons and flip-flops. As of a few months ago, I can’t wear either. They hurt my feet. :(

I had never liked Bob’s before. Didn’t find them to be very comfortable. But when I decided I needed to stop wearing flip-flops, I wanted a more comfortable pair of slip ons. I found a pair of Bob’s with memory foam soles. I love them. I even wear them with my arch insoles. (Oh, haha, there is a hair on the back of one that I didn’t notice until now.)

gray2

I hope that you all will link up your gray photos this week. You have until Thursday to play along.

I am sharing here today:Kim Klassen dot com

Mr B

curve

I love my boy. I love him a lot. I feel really guilty though. I get so mad at him sometimes. Sometimes I have to remind myself he’s just a kid.

kids

 

Little man is 11 now. Got braces last month because his teeth were so overcrowded in his mouth. He’s moody and temperamental. He’s argumentative and makes excuses for everything. He always talks when he shouldn’t and won’t talk when he should. He used to tell me he wanted brothers and sisters, then my niece and nephew moved here and he decided he liked his alone time. He is very sensitive and my dad hates that about boys, so he gets mad about it.

sky blue2

He says he just walking backwards, but I think he looks pretty mad there. I don’t understand him. He won’t talk to me. When he does, he doesn’t always tell me the truth and then when I get all worked up he will tell me the truth. My parents spoil him rotten one minute (like getting him an XBox for his birthday) and then get mad at him for everything the next minute. They want to be the cool grandparents but then also be the strict parents (which I hate both of, but I can’t say anything because then I get accused of being ungrateful). I take him on picture taking adventures, picnics at the zoo and other stuff that doesn’t include spending lots of money. My mom takes him to all the new movies and bought him snow boarding gear for an early Christmas present. I try to just be an understanding parent, but then he works my last nerve when I am the tiredest from work. And I worry that I am being like my mother and going to kill his self-esteem.

brendan goalie

He loves soccer but doesn’t want to give anything extra to it. Would be a really good player if he wouldn’t be so lazy about it. He complains about his chores. Won’t clean up after himself without being told and does much of his work only half caring. I feel that everything I tell him goes in one ear and out there other. That he figures nana or papa will give in to him eventually. They may get the maddest at him for his bad attitude and pouting but he chooses to spend most of his time with them and I have to make him spend a day with me.

iloveu

I hope against everything that if you are reading this you don’t think I am complaining about him. I am just so confused. I know that things will change when we get moved into our own house, that we have lived in my parents’ house too long. But sometimes I don’t see that I have done a very good job. He is an only child. He doesn’t, nor ever will, know his father. No man has wanted to come into our life and be his dad. I don’t like that, but can’t change that either.

my fave

I want his life to be better than mine. Want him to not rely on other people, to be able to make his own place in the world. But with people by his side. I want him to have people in his life he can always depend on. To choose a good degree, that will actually get him jobs. I want him to be comfortable but also work for his place and money. I don’t want him to think he is entitled to anything, and want him to not judge others. I want him to see life as good and colorful and great. That anything is the limit when he puts in mind and heart to it.

orange2

I think maybe I messed up by giving up my life. I felt that if I couldn’t finish grad school and take care of him (and let my parents convince me he was better off staying with them) then I didn’t need to have fun or play or do anything other than school or work. I did have a little bit of a life after grad school, while I lived in Austin, but that ended when I moved here 8 1/2 years ago. I am an employee, a mother, a loner. And I think maybe I have not set a good picture to him. I can’t imagine what his teenage years are going to be like when he already treats me like I’m not cool enough now. Above everything I hope he always know I love him.

Yucky Days

Sometimes life gives you lemons. They say to make lemonade.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Everything happens for a reason.

Life is like a roller coaster, it has it’s ups and down.

Don’t worry, be happy.

worrying

(I didn’t come up with the words, I just created the picture. If you’d like a copy, let me know.) When I don’t know the final outcome, I need to just remember these words. Another bump in the road with the house I am buying. I so wish there was a way to report HUD so they would stop doing these things to people that can’t buy new houses. All they have to do is change a knob on the hot water heater so that the meters can be set for the utilities. But no, as is they keep reminding us. I don’t want to be a wendy winer and say anything else about the matter though. Bah humbug. No worrying. =)

 

Who’s That Girl?

‘”Quien es esa nina, who’s that girl
Senorita, mas fina, who’s that girl
Quien es esa nina, who’s that girl
Senorita, mas fina, who’s that girl”

-Madonna’s Who’s That Girl

girl

 She is a cutie.

Have you heard of the singing nun from The View (Italy)? Ironically she has redone Madonna’s Like a Virgin. She stated “If you read the lyrics without being influenced by what has gone before, you discover that it is a song about the capacity of love to make people new again, to release them from their past.” (As seen on Yahoo TV.)

Interesting thoughts.

Today I am sharing with Song-ography, 0df33-our2bworld P52 Sweet Shot Tuesday with Kent Weakley

 

Hay Around

Good.good time

Meezie really liked feeding the goats at the pumpkin patch. And petting the piglets.

Random.

 

bull hay

This woman paints all these hay bales every year. This year the animal ones were new. And so cute.

Fun.fun

I thought this little girl was too cute to not snap her photo. I have been playing around with using this as my Little Princess prompt for my birthday challenge.

I am sharing here today: Monday Mellow Yellows and