Day 25: About a Girl

I have worked on this post almost the whole month. Not sure how much of it I really wanted to put out there. But I keep feeling if I would get it off my chest, maybe I could move away from it. Yesterday I read a post on gratitude which would mean I shouldn’t post this, then I read another post that tells me I should. So, this will be my post from yesterday.

A few years ago I was in a darkish place. Nothing like wanting to hurt myself, but very unhappy. I had lost my good paying job, I couldn’t find a new one (I interviewed a lot) and we had had to move back into my parents. My self esteem plummeted. That temporary move ended up lasting 3.5 years and I am back here again, waiting on a house. Even though I am almost 40, I still have to tell my mom where I am going, when I will be home. Why, what, how. Because of this, I found it was just easier to not try and date…or go anywhere alone for that matter.

After I initially moved in here (my son has pretty much lived with them, with or without me, for 8 of his 11 years), I some how stumbled on Karen Walrond. I made a life menu. I read. I wrote. I got into crafting more and more. I try really hard to just live with this life. I work really hard and watch slackers never get in trouble because they buddy up to managers. Not only that I never get thanked for what I do and extra is always expected of me. I never complain about the fact that I am too educated, too qualified and way under paid for what I do but hear younger people complain about being underpaid all the time. I have 2 degrees and am considered over educated in most fields and under qualified where degrees are expected. I really don’t know what to do with myself and at this point even leaving my job would probably mean a pay cut (I don’t make enough as it is) or working way more hours. And I just don’t know what I would be qualified to do that would pay well. I have experience, I can tell you that. I also think that until you work for a HUGE corporation, you don’t realize the politics in it and how badly the associates are treated by the corporation and by the customers. Or until you work in a restaurant you don’t realize how your actions and attitudes really affect the person waiting on you. We are all human. NO ONE is better than the person they are next to. And no one has the right to turn their nose up at anyone else. I grew up with kids like that. And you would think that it would help in my adult life, but it still hurts. A little appreciation and less expecting me to do more more more would be nice.

It all goes back to the, it’s not what you know but who you know. I don’t have a network. That wasn’t something the college I went to promoted. I really wish that were something I had known to work on earlier on. I have also learned through some conversations with my brother, that he feels the same way. He has the same self-esteem issues. (And his wife hates being in a crowd of strangers.) But they seem to ground each other. My mom likes to think my brother can’t get a better job because he won’t chop off his “Duck Dynasty” beard (he had his way before they made money from theirs) but I think that isn’t his problem at all. He’s like me and doesn’t know how to sell himself without showing them what he can do. But most jobs don’t give you a working interview to be able to do that. That’s too bad. Anybody can lie on an application to get a job. I don’t do that. I had a good paying job (a job I interviewed for because an old family friend told me her husband was coming to town to interview for the job) interview me back when I was applying everywhere. The man I knew told me I moved around a lot. Like I said, I have good experience. I am pretty well rounded. But the interview fizzled at that point. And because of that I have stuck with the job I have now for almost 4 years. I change jobs, but haven’t left this location. I hate my job. I get walked all over. I get mistreated. I work REALLY hard for a woman (for most men too for that matter). I don’t get credit where credit is due. My current boss is a 22 year old jerk that doesn’t know one inch of how to do my job. It’s sad really.

I took this quiz on Facebook the other day. My results were “Need to be Loved.” I almost cried it was so true. It’s not like an affliction, or something like a drug to get me by. It is what has lacked from my life. I was raised to be able to take care of myself. To not have to rely on others. I don’t think my mom meant it to be harmful, but it hasn’t helped. Add to that my extreme shyness with new people, men especially, and I have not dated very much in my life at all. My longest relationship was when I got engaged, we moved in together then to Maryland and we were only together for 10 months. He broke up with me 3 times before he realized he wanted to marry me. I realized in Maryland that our children were not going to be able to have a life together as a family and it was best I returned home. Home being where my parents and son were. I had not lived in this part of NM before. I have now been here 8 1/2 years.

I only had 1 real boyfriend in high school and it only lasted 3 weeks. From there I have had a lot of heart break. A lot of rejection. Found the love of my life and lost him. Found my soul mate (or kindred spirit) and since he decided he didn’t feel it too, we aren’t even friends anymore. For 11 years we would tell each other everything (except when he had girlfriends). I had my son because of a stupid boy (a story I really don’t need to share online). I can’t tell you how many times I have been told “I just don’t want a girlfriend in my life” to then see him get very serious with the next girl. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. I am a hopeless romantic. Would do anything for the people that get close. Am always there for anyone (within reason). Am a little naive. I don’t have friends so sometimes I text too much when I do find a new guy. But we are grownups, shouldn’t they be able to tell me what it is that they don’t like?

I turn 40 next month. I can’t even tell you when my last date was. I have decided I am going to stay 39 until someone will make a big deal about my 40th. That might be awhile. When I was younger my mom once told me I was going to be an old maid like my great aunt. The only thing stopping that so far is you can’t be a maid with a child. I have tried the dating sites, men lie worse on there than in person. I have come to the conclusion that I am ok with never getting married. That doesn’t really scare me. I just want someone to be there for me. A companion. A confidant. A friend. A lover. A giver. Someone that will accept the crazy parts of me and want to share these things with me, as well as wanting me to share his as well. I so badly wanted a dad for my son, I even made sure these men appeared to be good dads. Even men with daughters don’t think about what they want for their daughters when they don’t treat women with respect. By that, I mean, they say their daughter will never date but then they turn around and use women.

I took another one of those quizzes. My results were Extroverted-Sensing-Feeling-Judging. ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don’t understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They’re very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. That explains a lot. My mom must be the opposite and that’s why she doesn’t understand me at all. I sometimes think that if I didn’t look so much like my mom, I could have been adopted. That’s how much she doesn’t get me.

And honestly, where have all the cowboys (figuratively) gone? Manners. Respect. I have lived my entire life treating people the way I would want them to treat me. At least I think I have. But it doesn’t work. I often wonder if people think I am going to be a push over and when they realize I am not a dumb blonde, is when they “break up” with me. I say it that way because even friends can break up with you by ending the friendship. Or wander off. Maybe I come off too needy. I honestly don’t know. No one has ever told me. I realized one day that I was the one that kept the friendships going. So I stopped calling anyone. I stopped emailing. Whatever the communication was, I stopped. To see what would happen. And what happened was that I haven’t barely talked to any of those friends since. I know people grow apart. I know that I move around a lot (always have). But I also know that I was putting in more than I was getting back. Once again, I just don’t know. I have learned to live with the lonely life. But it has also brought on a stronger fear of being around strangers. Uneasiness. What an endless cycle it has become.

I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me. I know there are worse situations out there. But I read these 20 somethingers posting about broken hearts and lost loves and will they ever get married and I want to cry because I have years on them and feel the same way. Except I have been around the block (world really) several more times and still can’t answer the life questions. I can give advice to others, great advice. I can listen to people talk on and on about themselves. I just can’t figure myself out. I do know that…I NEED to get out of the retail world. It sucks the life out of you. Not that I wouldn’t mind having my own shop selling refurbed “junk”. Trash to treasure. Restyle It. Recycle people. LOL. So maybe it’s Corporate America I need to get out of.

I realize I was all over the place. Probably part because I typed it on different days, part the feelings I was going through on those days, and well…how bad a day at work I had. Basically, I work in the wrong industry. I will never be one of the cool kids. I need a shoulder to lean on. I live in the wrong state. But I try really hard to not let any of this bring me to far down. I gotta worry about my boy instead. And as I posted the other day, that is a whole other story.

So next month, I have decided, my son and I are doing a gratitude project. I am not moving into my own house as planned, so we will even have a little money to do little gifts on my birthday as is on my list. I am going to do my research and do this right.