Cross to the Other Side

I find I go back to many different places these days for photo walks. I like to take different pictures of the same things, like this bridge. Different days produce different images, right? I am posting this picture in this blog post, with a different title, stewing over some words I read earlier and realized this is my Photo-Heart Connection for April. Even though these words just hit me. See, 15 years ago I met this boy. He was everything I hoped for, except we didn’t live in the same town. One time when he came to visit he decided to look into going back to school since I was there (it would have been his 3rd attempt). He was smart. He was a hard worker. He was kind. He had a great family. I was afraid to show him how I felt because I was afraid I would scare him off. When he learned he couldn’t get money to go back to school he decided to enlist in the Air Force. He broke up with me after visiting the recruiting office saying that he needed to focus in boot camp. He wouldn’t be able to make it through with a girl friend back home. As much as it hurt, I had to admit I understood that. He was hoping to go out and see the world. Low and behold, he ended up stationed an hour away. Half way between me and his home. Ironic I guess. As a plumber, so no hope for getting transferred in his 4 enlisted years. If you knew his story, you would actually probably feel bad for him. I tried to get reconnected with him, but it wasn’t in his timing I guess. Then a few months before I was due to graduate with my Bachelors I ran into him. Instantly, it was as if there wasn’t all that time between us. It lasted longer that time, but still ended. That was the last time we tried to be an item. After that, any time we saw each other or spent time together, I would just let it be the two of us and never say anything. Again I was afraid it would scare him off forever. The last time I saw him was October 1999. In March 2000, I was in Indiana at Flight Attendant training and wrote him a letter. Letting him go. Thinking I was giving myself closure. I might have told him finally how I had always felt about him, but I also said something ugly I have always wished I could take back. I learned later that he had gotten some girl pregnant and he was an officer and they were moving to North Carolina. I know he has married that girl. When I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with him, and that I should have grasped this and let him know, I know that he is the one that got away. I am now 37 years old. Last year I learned from my “best friend”, thought he was my soul mate, that he didn’t think we would be able to work when we talked about giving it a try. Giving it a try ended at an awkward hug at the airport because he said he felt nothing when he hugged me. I have never been married. I hate dating and haven’t been on one in YEARS. I got engaged once but before any plans were even in motion, I walked away from that relationship, it wasn’t what it first appeared. So I grasp onto my romantic notion that AF boy who folds napkins into roses to walk up to you to say hello, isn’t happily married and maybe some day it wouldn’t be. For some reason we are Facebook friends. We never talk to each other though. Today I saw where his wife posted last month that it has been 15 years (I am guessing since they met). That would be the month after we broke up when he went to boot camp. So she wasn’t some random girl he got pregnant and decided to do the right thing by. (Yea, my son doesn’t know his father at all, and he told lies. Long story but not a good one.) So tonight, I realize I have had this romantic notion that I really need to let go of. Yes, it is nice to know that there were a few good men that have crossed my path, but it is time for me to cross that bridge and let go of the past. In all aspects of my life. My work life is a whole ‘nother story and just as sad. So I sit here tonight and write this story that probably makes no sense in its condensed form, but as a means to cross to the other side. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.